By Stefan Gestwicki
Star Contributing Writer
This is the third (and likely final) installment in a series of articles about annoying people on the golf course. Sound like fun? Be sure to check out the first two parts of the series if you missed them.
As a quick recap, we’ve discussed The Chronically Late Guy; The Unprepared Guy; The Pro VI Guy; The Foot Wedge Guy; The Never Shuts Up Guy; The Can’t Keep Score Guy; The None Shall Pass Guy; The Tee Box Revenge Guy; The “I Found It” Guy; The Shot Even Par Yesterday Guy; The Music Man; and lastly, The Texter.
All of these stereotypes are just dreadful, but don’t breathe easy just yet. I have more.
- The Man of 10,000 Practice Swings — If you’re going to have uneven footing, the ball is buried in some thick grass, there’s a tree in your backswing or some other odd hazard, by all means, take a few cuts before you hit the ball. No one wants to feel unprepared. If you need one or two practice swings on the tee box to loosen up your shoulders and back again after not taking a full swing in a few minutes, sure, I can buy that. But good grief how much do you despise that one guy who just won’t stop taking practice swings and then probably just duffs the shot anyway?
- The Giant Divot Guy — This is the golfer that simply doesn’t respect the course owners, the other golfers or even the game itself. You know the one. Odds are, his divot usually goes further than the ball to start with, but then he just hops in his cart and drives away. Not all courses have the bottles to refill fairway divots, but at the very least go get that clump of grass and dirt and put it back where you found it. This is also the guy that doesn’t fix his ball marks on the green. While I’m at it, if you’re unsure how to fix a ball mark, go look it up. You don’t push up, you push in. Again, if that doesn’t make sense, please go look it up. It’s important stuff.
- The Golden Ball Guy — No one likes to lose a golf ball. It almost certainly means that you hit a lousy shot. It’s even more frustrating when you can’t find your ball that maybe just bounced off the fairway. But listen, if you’re out on the course on a busy day and there’s a group waiting behind you, just take the penalty stroke and drop a new ball instead of spending 10 minutes looking all over for it. Don’t even take a penalty, it doesn’t matter to me. Just go already. Maybe this is why you don’t buy the most expensive golf balls you find. I’m looking at you Pro VI Guy (part 1). This is also assuming you’re just playing casually, as most of us usually do.
- The Road Warrior — Why do some golfers find it so fun to drive the carts? Didn’t you drive a car to get to the course? Don’t you drive every day? I can see a 13-year old kid finding it exhilarating, but the “guy” that speeds around, slams on the brakes, bumps into the back of the other cart, etc. just has to go. These are expensive investments by the course. Again, have a little respect. Please don’t be this guy.
- The Quote Guy — Happy Gilmore and Caddyshack are both excellent, hilarious movies. I’m never going to deny that. But here’s a tip: No one wants to hear, “You will not make this putt” when they’re lining up their birdie putt. We’re all familiar with Bill Murray’s “It’s in the hole” monologue. On a related note, have you ever noticed how terrible the greens are in golf movies? Go watch Caddyshack again. It’s like they’re putting on the fairway of a poorly maintained course. I never really caught that until I started playing golf, I suppose.
Believe it or not, I actually have more “guys” to avoid playing with or (heaven forbid) being. But that’s probably enough for this series. We’ll see what golf-related topics pop into my head during the next week.
Until then, golf is great. Go get some.